Fucked Sports™

Congratulations to the Edmonton Oilers, who have reached the Stanley Cup finals for the first time in 16 years. They now await the winner of the Carolina Hurricanes/Buffalo Sabres Eastern Conference final. Carolina presently leads the series 3 games to 2.

Who will win this year’s Stanley Cup, the most coveted trophy in all of sports? I’ve been giving a lot of thought to this question. The experts will tell you to look at the stats, the injuries, trap defenses, hot goaltending, the skill of the players and the quality of their coaching. I, however, will not. No, I’ve lost too much money and suffered too much disappointment over the years by trying to apply “logic,” “reason” and “common sense” to such matters.

This year will be different. This year I’m thinking outside the box. Like the chick that wins the office pool by picking winners based on team colors, I’m tossing conventional wisdom aside and making my prediction based solely on criteria that only an insane person would consider relevant. Specifically, I’m looking at patterns and themes that hint to what the future holds. You’ve heard of how celebrities always die in threes? This is something like that, except nobody dies.

Consider for example that after September 11, 2001, when the nation was united like rarely before, who else but a team called the Patriots would win the Super Bowl? Interestingly, the New England Patriots also prevailed in the 2 Super Bowls that followed the invasion of Iraq. Only after support for the war dropped off dramatically did they fail to win a third consecutive time. Coincidence? That’s what the commies want you to think!

In any event, a yin and yang theme emerged in professional sports in 2002, when the Angels of Anaheim reigned supreme in the World Series and, six months later, the New Jersey Devils inscribed their names upon the Stanley Cup. In 2003, we witnessed a clear seagoing theme, with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers capturing the Super Bowl and the Florida Marlins triumphing in the World Series. And 2004 began a footwear theme, oddly enough, as the Boston Red Sox won the October Classic followed by the Chicago White Sox the year after. We’re through the looking glass, people.

So who am I picking to win the Cup? Well, there was no 2004-05 NHL season so I look for a continuation of an interrupted theme. Some might think that in a year of record oil profits, the Edmonton Oilers would be the logical choice, but such people aren’t thinking clearly. Since the Tampa Bay Lightning won the last Stanley Cup it only makes sense, especially in light of Katrina, that the Carolina Hurricanes storm through this year’s competition to complete the weather theme. That’s it folks, mark it down. The Carolina Hurricanes are your 2006 Stanley Cup champions.

Remember where you read it.

Elvis is in the building… And we here at Fucked Sports are guessing that he is pissed.

Cirque du Soleil - the circus that travels the world hypnotizing it’s audiences with a psychedelic freak show of contortionists, midgets, man-bots and acrobats - just got freakier. The troupe is planning to build a line of new shows with the King as it’s main theme.

Can’t somebody stop these capitalistic blashphemous pigs?… Priscilla?.. Lisa Marie?… The ghost of Richard Nixon?… Anybody?

Making a kids cartoon about the life of Linda Lovelace makes more sense than this - at least from a fan’s standpoint.

Presley, who incidently became much richer in his death than he ever was alive is surely squirming in his casket… If he is indeed in there.

If he is not dead, as many fans have speculated, we are about to witness his first public appearance in almost 30 years.

If this doesn’t draw him out of seclusion, than there is no longer a dispute on whether or not he faked his death, because if he is indeed alive, we’ll know.

He’s gonna come out swinging.

Yeah, file this one under Boxing. This is SO fucked up.

Those of you who tuned in to Game 4 of the San Jose/Edmonton Western Conference Semifinal Friday night saw some great hockey; probably the best I’ve seen all season. A lightning* quick pace, pretty passes, sweet shots, super saves, hard hits, breakaways, flared tempers, fluke bounces, it had it all.

The Sharks jumped out to a 3-1 lead early in the second period on a goal by Jonathan Cheechoo, but the Oilers stormed back like Dick Cheney on an Exxon junket by scoring the next five. At 2:57 of the 3rd period Jason Smith took a pass from Sergei Samsonov in the corner, deked San Jose goaltender Vesa Toskala and deposited the puck off the post and in to give Edmonton the lead they would not relinquish. With the Oilers’ 6-3 win, the series is knotted-up at 2 games apiece as Game 5 returns to San Jose Sunday night.

In other match-ups, the Buffalo Sabres lead the Ottawa Senators 3 games to 1, the Carolina Hurricans are up on the New Jersey Devils 3 games to none, while the Anaheim Mighty Ducks — the worst named team in hockey – await the winner of the Oilers/Sharks slugfest after having swept the outmatched Colorado Avalanche.

* Speaking of lightning, is it just me or could Stallone have played a great Phil Esposito in a film adaptation of the Boston legend’s memoir Thunder and Lightning? That’s if Rocky could skate, of course  . . .and act.

P.S. I’d like to thank bdaddy for extending me the offer to become Fucked Sports’ part-time hockey correspondent, and Gooseneck for talking me into it.

Psssst… Come a little closer… Are you telling your friends about Fucked Sports?

Daunte Culpepper’s off season signing with the Dolphins will prove to be a great move.

It guarantees that he’ll be able to put the legal woes of his Minneapolis tenure behind him, with a chance to concentrate on a new gig without the distractions of the blood thirsty Minnesota press corps. He’ll be able to concentrate fully on his task at hand - which is to win football games - without the negative hype that was force fed to him daily as a Viking.

Miami is a long ways from Central Minnesota.

It’s a fresh start for Daunte, and if he is truly the star calibur quarterback that he would like us to believe he is, then this is his golden opportunity to prove it. There’s many who feel that by being able to put his past behind him, and with his new surroundings, Culpepper cant fail in Miami. Some say that he’ll become one of the premier passers in the AFC.

Yes indeed. Daunte’s future looks very bright in his new home.

However, he may soon find that leaving his past behind him could be a difficult task. 

Especially when that particular past involves a yacht and some hookers… The very thread that weaves the Miami society.

Ok, what do I know? I have never been to Miami.

However, I have seen enough episodes of Miami Vice to know that there is a yacht or two in the harbor there… And these boats are mostly full of drugs. I don’t need a TV show to tell me that wherever there is an abundance of drugs … There’s a hooker or two in the vicinity.

No, I have never been to Miami.  But I’m guessing that one couldn’t hardly walk through a grocery store in Miami with getting a proposition.

You know I’m right, Dolphin fan.

But that’s not the point. Yes, Culpepper is about to realize an acute sense of deja vu, but it’s gonna feel different. It’s not going to have those negative overtones.

As I said, Miami has boats and whores… It’s part of the social thread.

It’s not like Minneapolis where hard news is rare to come by. Had Culpepper’s boat sex escapade happened in Miami, we never would have heard about it. Hookers on yachts? That’s old hat. It’s not going to make the Miami news. 

In Miami, Culpepper can relax and be one of the guys. One has to think that if he can play relaxed, Culpepper has the potential to be one of the best in the league.

As it turns out, he got chased out of Minneapolis just in time. It’s one thing to be constantly harrassed, associated with every vice in a small city, but it’s another to perform well at your job within these distractions.

I’ve always said that purple doesn’t belong in the NFL, and merely shedding that color will do wonders for Daunte Culpepper. I know I would struggle if I was forced to work in a purple shirt.

Purple just doesn’t mix with success… Unless it’s oriented towards children under the age of three.

Teletubbies, The Wiggles, Barney, and The Grape Ape. All purple… All for kids.

In fact, anybody who is over three years old and cheers for a purple colored icon should have their head evaluated. Obviously there are some childhood issues that need to be resolved.

It is so obvious!

Ignoring the purple curse, the Vikings have designed a new uniform, going with everything that hasn’t worked before… The color purple.

It’s all part of the big picture: Trade Moss… Get rid of Culpepper… Invest in some new uniforms…

It had to be done.

How else would Zygi Wilf distract Vikings fans away from the fact that in the last two years he just traded away 99.9% of his team’s offense?

Viking fans are not dumb. I know several. Everyone of them is madly in love with Minnesota football, and very articulate in their passion.

As fans they’re very smart and they know the game inside out. Any Viking fan I know can describe any game from the last 15 years to you in detail, probably down to the final score. They have incredible memories.

One thing that separates Viking fan from most of the other teams in the NFL is their understanding of front office business and the internal operations of their major sports franchise.

Technically speaking Viking fans are some of the brightest in the NFL…

Their only lack of intelligence could be the fact that their loyalty is to THE ONLY NFL TEAM that wears purple… And annually rips their hearts out.

It’s not a coincidence.

Zygi Wilf is hoping that these new uniforms will be enough to distract his fan base from the fact that his team now totally sucks.

He’s hoping that these uniforms will conveniently mask the fact that his team… Whom these fans live and die for… No longer has an offense… Not to mention a defense, which has been MIA since the Viet Nam War.

He takes comfort in knowig that these new duds are generating alot of excitement in the Twin Cities.

Yeah.

That excitement will last about halfway through the first quarter of the first game of the Vikings preseason. 

These fans are not dumb, I’m telling you.

They will notice football in Minnesota without Culpepper. Brad Johnson is not the almighty savior that will take the Viking ship to the promised land. 

There will be yet another post season of what ifs, in the Norse Country… Followed by vented public outrage.  

Zygi Wilf will find out just how serious fans take thier NFL in Minnesota… It’s going to be a rude awakening.

And as long as the Vikings suit up in purple uniforms… This cycle will repeat it self over and over again.

I haven’t given much press to the whole Barry Bonds/ steroids situation. I am one of those few sports writers who actually like Barry… His blunt, fuck-you style has been my mantra for years… Who am I to fault him for being that way? He’s a hell of a lot better than Sammy Sosa was in his hey-day, who spent so much time trying to convince everyone in the media that he was a fan-friendly baseball ambassador, who in real life was just a pompous eventual has-been who treated his fans like he treated everyone… Like shit. 

Sosa had no regard for anybody but himself, yet tried his damnest to convince everybody in the media otherwise. Not like Bonds, who treats everybody like shit without all the pretending.

I can respect that.

That being said, I waited a few days to post about Barry getting knocked in the head by an errant foul ball in Wednesday’s batting practice. Afterall, shit happens right? 

The mere fact that Barry got cracked upside the head isn’t enough to warrant it’s own on Fucked Sports.

No sireee.

The mere fact that it hasn’t happened before is what is amazing… Barry’s head is so BIG that it’s incredible that this doesn’t happen every single game during batting practice.

I’m not referring to his ego here. I’m talking about the actual size of his melon. It’s circumference… It’s width… It’s area in square yards.

They should take down that giant glove in the outfield at SBC Park. Give it to Barry to wear on his head so that this doesn’t happen again!

I hadn’t noticed it before, I guess until I saw footage of this incident on the sports channel. Barry’s head, in disapportion to his body is incredible. He’s a walking bobble head… A steady rotation shy of supporting his own solar system!

If there is ever prior warning that Earth is about to be destroyed, I’m taking up residence just above Barry’s right eye brow. It’s much closer to Mars, and it’s damn near as big.

I still think of Barry from the old days… When he was as much a threat to steal a base as he was to park one in the outfield. When I picture Barry, I think of him as Pirate… A young lean Hall of Fame machine.

Probably not anymore, though.

Apparently I haven’t been paying attention because I had no idea that he became so… Um… Headstrong.

His father’s head wasn’t that big. Nor was his mother’s. I have absolutley no idea what would cause his cranium to take on so much mass. It’s a genetic mystery.

One thing is for sure though. It wasn’t steroids. Afterall, Barry has taken every steroid test thrown his way and has passed with flying colors. That, and he absolutely denies any usage, which in itself should be enough to thwart our suspicions. Right?

Nonetheless, it’s amazing that he doesn’t have alot more baseball strings tattooed on the side of his scalp.

And his own self supporting planetary system.

The expected World Cup boom for Germany’s sex industry has ignited a trans-Atlantic tiff over prostitution, with a U.S. congressman and other anti-trafficking advocates contending Thursday that thousands of foreign women will be forced into sex work during the four-week tournament.The German government, while defending its policy of legalized prostitution, emphatically denies that it condones human trafficking and says it has intensified efforts to combat it. It also denies claims by some critics that it is subsidizing construction of new brothels.

Meanwhile, realize: It’s hard out there for a virgin…

A brothel has become the first in Berlin to offer special deals for virgins with prostitutes trained in the delicate art of catering for customers who have never had sex, a German newspaper reported Friday.

Sounds like the world cup will fit all your needs…

Corinne Rey-Bellet, a former Swiss olmpic ski star was found shot to death in her parent’s home late Sunday night. A suspect hasn’t been named yet but police are attempting to locate her husband for questioning.

Her mother, also injured, was able to call the authorities to the Swiss mountain resort of Les Crosets where the shooting took place. She remains hospitalized and is in serious condition.

Rey-Bellet shared a silver medal in the 2003 World Championships in the downhill at St. Moritz, Switzerland. Shortly thereafter she retired because of recurring injuries to her right knee.

She was 33 at the time of her death.