Fucked Sports™

I haven’t given much press to the whole Barry Bonds/ steroids situation. I am one of those few sports writers who actually like Barry… His blunt, fuck-you style has been my mantra for years… Who am I to fault him for being that way? He’s a hell of a lot better than Sammy Sosa was in his hey-day, who spent so much time trying to convince everyone in the media that he was a fan-friendly baseball ambassador, who in real life was just a pompous eventual has-been who treated his fans like he treated everyone… Like shit. 

Sosa had no regard for anybody but himself, yet tried his damnest to convince everybody in the media otherwise. Not like Bonds, who treats everybody like shit without all the pretending.

I can respect that.

That being said, I waited a few days to post about Barry getting knocked in the head by an errant foul ball in Wednesday’s batting practice. Afterall, shit happens right? 

The mere fact that Barry got cracked upside the head isn’t enough to warrant it’s own on Fucked Sports.

No sireee.

The mere fact that it hasn’t happened before is what is amazing… Barry’s head is so BIG that it’s incredible that this doesn’t happen every single game during batting practice.

I’m not referring to his ego here. I’m talking about the actual size of his melon. It’s circumference… It’s width… It’s area in square yards.

They should take down that giant glove in the outfield at SBC Park. Give it to Barry to wear on his head so that this doesn’t happen again!

I hadn’t noticed it before, I guess until I saw footage of this incident on the sports channel. Barry’s head, in disapportion to his body is incredible. He’s a walking bobble head… A steady rotation shy of supporting his own solar system!

If there is ever prior warning that Earth is about to be destroyed, I’m taking up residence just above Barry’s right eye brow. It’s much closer to Mars, and it’s damn near as big.

I still think of Barry from the old days… When he was as much a threat to steal a base as he was to park one in the outfield. When I picture Barry, I think of him as Pirate… A young lean Hall of Fame machine.

Probably not anymore, though.

Apparently I haven’t been paying attention because I had no idea that he became so… Um… Headstrong.

His father’s head wasn’t that big. Nor was his mother’s. I have absolutley no idea what would cause his cranium to take on so much mass. It’s a genetic mystery.

One thing is for sure though. It wasn’t steroids. Afterall, Barry has taken every steroid test thrown his way and has passed with flying colors. That, and he absolutely denies any usage, which in itself should be enough to thwart our suspicions. Right?

Nonetheless, it’s amazing that he doesn’t have alot more baseball strings tattooed on the side of his scalp.

And his own self supporting planetary system.

This entry was posted on Friday, May 5th, 2006 at 2:50 pm and is filed under MLB. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.