Fucked Sports™

MLB Hit this one on the head, giving new meaning to turn your head and cough!

The teams informed the commissioner’s office of the trade specifics, a baseball official said, speaking on condition of anonymity because no announcement had been made.

Arizona would send relief pitcher Luis Vizcaino to the Yankees along with minor league right-handers Ross Ohlendorf and Steven Jackson, and shortstop Alberto Gonzalez, another baseball official said, also on condition of anonymity. The Yankees also would pay between $1.5 million and $2 million of Johnson’s $16 million salary this year.

Congratulations to the Edmonton Oilers, who have reached the Stanley Cup finals for the first time in 16 years. They now await the winner of the Carolina Hurricanes/Buffalo Sabres Eastern Conference final. Carolina presently leads the series 3 games to 2.

Who will win this year’s Stanley Cup, the most coveted trophy in all of sports? I’ve been giving a lot of thought to this question. The experts will tell you to look at the stats, the injuries, trap defenses, hot goaltending, the skill of the players and the quality of their coaching. I, however, will not. No, I’ve lost too much money and suffered too much disappointment over the years by trying to apply “logic,” “reason” and “common sense” to such matters.

This year will be different. This year I’m thinking outside the box. Like the chick that wins the office pool by picking winners based on team colors, I’m tossing conventional wisdom aside and making my prediction based solely on criteria that only an insane person would consider relevant. Specifically, I’m looking at patterns and themes that hint to what the future holds. You’ve heard of how celebrities always die in threes? This is something like that, except nobody dies.

Consider for example that after September 11, 2001, when the nation was united like rarely before, who else but a team called the Patriots would win the Super Bowl? Interestingly, the New England Patriots also prevailed in the 2 Super Bowls that followed the invasion of Iraq. Only after support for the war dropped off dramatically did they fail to win a third consecutive time. Coincidence? That’s what the commies want you to think!

In any event, a yin and yang theme emerged in professional sports in 2002, when the Angels of Anaheim reigned supreme in the World Series and, six months later, the New Jersey Devils inscribed their names upon the Stanley Cup. In 2003, we witnessed a clear seagoing theme, with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers capturing the Super Bowl and the Florida Marlins triumphing in the World Series. And 2004 began a footwear theme, oddly enough, as the Boston Red Sox won the October Classic followed by the Chicago White Sox the year after. We’re through the looking glass, people.

So who am I picking to win the Cup? Well, there was no 2004-05 NHL season so I look for a continuation of an interrupted theme. Some might think that in a year of record oil profits, the Edmonton Oilers would be the logical choice, but such people aren’t thinking clearly. Since the Tampa Bay Lightning won the last Stanley Cup it only makes sense, especially in light of Katrina, that the Carolina Hurricanes storm through this year’s competition to complete the weather theme. That’s it folks, mark it down. The Carolina Hurricanes are your 2006 Stanley Cup champions.

Remember where you read it.

I haven’t given much press to the whole Barry Bonds/ steroids situation. I am one of those few sports writers who actually like Barry… His blunt, fuck-you style has been my mantra for years… Who am I to fault him for being that way? He’s a hell of a lot better than Sammy Sosa was in his hey-day, who spent so much time trying to convince everyone in the media that he was a fan-friendly baseball ambassador, who in real life was just a pompous eventual has-been who treated his fans like he treated everyone… Like shit. 

Sosa had no regard for anybody but himself, yet tried his damnest to convince everybody in the media otherwise. Not like Bonds, who treats everybody like shit without all the pretending.

I can respect that.

That being said, I waited a few days to post about Barry getting knocked in the head by an errant foul ball in Wednesday’s batting practice. Afterall, shit happens right? 

The mere fact that Barry got cracked upside the head isn’t enough to warrant it’s own on Fucked Sports.

No sireee.

The mere fact that it hasn’t happened before is what is amazing… Barry’s head is so BIG that it’s incredible that this doesn’t happen every single game during batting practice.

I’m not referring to his ego here. I’m talking about the actual size of his melon. It’s circumference… It’s width… It’s area in square yards.

They should take down that giant glove in the outfield at SBC Park. Give it to Barry to wear on his head so that this doesn’t happen again!

I hadn’t noticed it before, I guess until I saw footage of this incident on the sports channel. Barry’s head, in disapportion to his body is incredible. He’s a walking bobble head… A steady rotation shy of supporting his own solar system!

If there is ever prior warning that Earth is about to be destroyed, I’m taking up residence just above Barry’s right eye brow. It’s much closer to Mars, and it’s damn near as big.

I still think of Barry from the old days… When he was as much a threat to steal a base as he was to park one in the outfield. When I picture Barry, I think of him as Pirate… A young lean Hall of Fame machine.

Probably not anymore, though.

Apparently I haven’t been paying attention because I had no idea that he became so… Um… Headstrong.

His father’s head wasn’t that big. Nor was his mother’s. I have absolutley no idea what would cause his cranium to take on so much mass. It’s a genetic mystery.

One thing is for sure though. It wasn’t steroids. Afterall, Barry has taken every steroid test thrown his way and has passed with flying colors. That, and he absolutely denies any usage, which in itself should be enough to thwart our suspicions. Right?

Nonetheless, it’s amazing that he doesn’t have alot more baseball strings tattooed on the side of his scalp.

And his own self supporting planetary system.

San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds endured a hostile reception on the opening day of the season on Monday, with a sold-out Petco Park making clear their views on allegations of the outfielder’s illegal steroid use.At the start of a campaign in which Bonds could become the greatest home-run hitter in major league history, the 41-year-old was booed at every opportunity by San Diego Padres fans and even had to remove a syringe from the field that was tossed in his direction from the crowd.

“That’s the first time somebody threw something like that,” Bonds told reporters of the incident that occurred as he trotted toward the dugout after the bottom of the eighth inning.

“I just put it off the field so no one would get hurt.”

Nothing like crackin a fastball while dodgin the needle, somehow before the games he always gets hit! hah

San Francisco Giants star slugger Barry Bonds told the media “My life is in shambles. It is crazy,” Bonds said Monday in an interview with The Associated Press. “It couldn’t get any crazier. I’m just trying to stay sane.” He is also shutting himself down for the rest of spring training in hopes to save himself for the regular season. MAN, I ALMOST FEEL BAD FOR THE GUY….ALRIGHT, THE MOMENT HAS PASSED.

The simmering dispute between the Washington Nationals and Alfonso Soriano escalated on Monday when the four-time All-Star refused to take the field in an exhibition game.Second baseman Soriano, acquired off-season from the Texas Rangers, has vetoed the Nationals’ demand that he switch to the outfield.

Get that man a tissue!

36 year old slugger Juan Gonzales, signed a minor league contract with the Boston Red Sox on Sunday. His last productive year came in 2001 when he hit .325 with 35 homers and 140 RBI. He has battled injury since, and tore his hamstring in his only at-bat with the Indians last year. HE’S A SOLID INSURANCE POLICY TO HAVE…SO LONG AS HE DOESN’T MOVE…

Victor Conte, the former owner of Balco, the supplement store made famous for its dealings with pro athletes, again denied that he ever supplied Barry Bonds with any steroids. He said that he did supply Bonds’ trainer Greg Anderson with two kinds of steroids, but he never had any talks with Barry about steroids. YEAH, LET’S ALL BELIEVE THE MAN BEHIND BARS…JOSE CANSECO IS LOOKING MORE CREDIBLE EVERY DAY…

Former baseball star Dwight Gooden was arrested in Tampa Tuesday on charges of violating the terms of his probation.

The 41-year-old pleaded guilty in November to speeding away from police after a DUI traffic stop in August 2005 and was sentenced to three years probation.

On Tuesday he went to a regular meeting with a probation officer, where he admitted to using cocaine, according to Jo Ellyn Rackleff, a spokeswoman for the Department of Corrections. *sniff sniff; smack!  Maybe his $0.05 rookie card will increase in value?