Fucked Sports™

Congratulations to the Edmonton Oilers, who have reached the Stanley Cup finals for the first time in 16 years. They now await the winner of the Carolina Hurricanes/Buffalo Sabres Eastern Conference final. Carolina presently leads the series 3 games to 2.

Who will win this year’s Stanley Cup, the most coveted trophy in all of sports? I’ve been giving a lot of thought to this question. The experts will tell you to look at the stats, the injuries, trap defenses, hot goaltending, the skill of the players and the quality of their coaching. I, however, will not. No, I’ve lost too much money and suffered too much disappointment over the years by trying to apply “logic,” “reason” and “common sense” to such matters.

This year will be different. This year I’m thinking outside the box. Like the chick that wins the office pool by picking winners based on team colors, I’m tossing conventional wisdom aside and making my prediction based solely on criteria that only an insane person would consider relevant. Specifically, I’m looking at patterns and themes that hint to what the future holds. You’ve heard of how celebrities always die in threes? This is something like that, except nobody dies.

Consider for example that after September 11, 2001, when the nation was united like rarely before, who else but a team called the Patriots would win the Super Bowl? Interestingly, the New England Patriots also prevailed in the 2 Super Bowls that followed the invasion of Iraq. Only after support for the war dropped off dramatically did they fail to win a third consecutive time. Coincidence? That’s what the commies want you to think!

In any event, a yin and yang theme emerged in professional sports in 2002, when the Angels of Anaheim reigned supreme in the World Series and, six months later, the New Jersey Devils inscribed their names upon the Stanley Cup. In 2003, we witnessed a clear seagoing theme, with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers capturing the Super Bowl and the Florida Marlins triumphing in the World Series. And 2004 began a footwear theme, oddly enough, as the Boston Red Sox won the October Classic followed by the Chicago White Sox the year after. We’re through the looking glass, people.

So who am I picking to win the Cup? Well, there was no 2004-05 NHL season so I look for a continuation of an interrupted theme. Some might think that in a year of record oil profits, the Edmonton Oilers would be the logical choice, but such people aren’t thinking clearly. Since the Tampa Bay Lightning won the last Stanley Cup it only makes sense, especially in light of Katrina, that the Carolina Hurricanes storm through this year’s competition to complete the weather theme. That’s it folks, mark it down. The Carolina Hurricanes are your 2006 Stanley Cup champions.

Remember where you read it.

Daunte Culpepper’s off season signing with the Dolphins will prove to be a great move.

It guarantees that he’ll be able to put the legal woes of his Minneapolis tenure behind him, with a chance to concentrate on a new gig without the distractions of the blood thirsty Minnesota press corps. He’ll be able to concentrate fully on his task at hand - which is to win football games - without the negative hype that was force fed to him daily as a Viking.

Miami is a long ways from Central Minnesota.

It’s a fresh start for Daunte, and if he is truly the star calibur quarterback that he would like us to believe he is, then this is his golden opportunity to prove it. There’s many who feel that by being able to put his past behind him, and with his new surroundings, Culpepper cant fail in Miami. Some say that he’ll become one of the premier passers in the AFC.

Yes indeed. Daunte’s future looks very bright in his new home.

However, he may soon find that leaving his past behind him could be a difficult task. 

Especially when that particular past involves a yacht and some hookers… The very thread that weaves the Miami society.

Ok, what do I know? I have never been to Miami.

However, I have seen enough episodes of Miami Vice to know that there is a yacht or two in the harbor there… And these boats are mostly full of drugs. I don’t need a TV show to tell me that wherever there is an abundance of drugs … There’s a hooker or two in the vicinity.

No, I have never been to Miami.  But I’m guessing that one couldn’t hardly walk through a grocery store in Miami with getting a proposition.

You know I’m right, Dolphin fan.

But that’s not the point. Yes, Culpepper is about to realize an acute sense of deja vu, but it’s gonna feel different. It’s not going to have those negative overtones.

As I said, Miami has boats and whores… It’s part of the social thread.

It’s not like Minneapolis where hard news is rare to come by. Had Culpepper’s boat sex escapade happened in Miami, we never would have heard about it. Hookers on yachts? That’s old hat. It’s not going to make the Miami news. 

In Miami, Culpepper can relax and be one of the guys. One has to think that if he can play relaxed, Culpepper has the potential to be one of the best in the league.

As it turns out, he got chased out of Minneapolis just in time. It’s one thing to be constantly harrassed, associated with every vice in a small city, but it’s another to perform well at your job within these distractions.

I’ve always said that purple doesn’t belong in the NFL, and merely shedding that color will do wonders for Daunte Culpepper. I know I would struggle if I was forced to work in a purple shirt.

Purple just doesn’t mix with success… Unless it’s oriented towards children under the age of three.

Teletubbies, The Wiggles, Barney, and The Grape Ape. All purple… All for kids.

In fact, anybody who is over three years old and cheers for a purple colored icon should have their head evaluated. Obviously there are some childhood issues that need to be resolved.

It is so obvious!

Ignoring the purple curse, the Vikings have designed a new uniform, going with everything that hasn’t worked before… The color purple.

It’s all part of the big picture: Trade Moss… Get rid of Culpepper… Invest in some new uniforms…

It had to be done.

How else would Zygi Wilf distract Vikings fans away from the fact that in the last two years he just traded away 99.9% of his team’s offense?

Viking fans are not dumb. I know several. Everyone of them is madly in love with Minnesota football, and very articulate in their passion.

As fans they’re very smart and they know the game inside out. Any Viking fan I know can describe any game from the last 15 years to you in detail, probably down to the final score. They have incredible memories.

One thing that separates Viking fan from most of the other teams in the NFL is their understanding of front office business and the internal operations of their major sports franchise.

Technically speaking Viking fans are some of the brightest in the NFL…

Their only lack of intelligence could be the fact that their loyalty is to THE ONLY NFL TEAM that wears purple… And annually rips their hearts out.

It’s not a coincidence.

Zygi Wilf is hoping that these new uniforms will be enough to distract his fan base from the fact that his team now totally sucks.

He’s hoping that these uniforms will conveniently mask the fact that his team… Whom these fans live and die for… No longer has an offense… Not to mention a defense, which has been MIA since the Viet Nam War.

He takes comfort in knowig that these new duds are generating alot of excitement in the Twin Cities.

Yeah.

That excitement will last about halfway through the first quarter of the first game of the Vikings preseason. 

These fans are not dumb, I’m telling you.

They will notice football in Minnesota without Culpepper. Brad Johnson is not the almighty savior that will take the Viking ship to the promised land. 

There will be yet another post season of what ifs, in the Norse Country… Followed by vented public outrage.  

Zygi Wilf will find out just how serious fans take thier NFL in Minnesota… It’s going to be a rude awakening.

And as long as the Vikings suit up in purple uniforms… This cycle will repeat it self over and over again.

Wide receiver Keyshawn Johnson signed with the Carolina Panthers officially on Friday, ending speculation on where the recently-cut player would land. The Cowboys released Johnson last week in preparation to make a run at Terrell Owens, and the Panthers gave him a 4-year, $19 million contract with a $5 million signing bonus. HELL, WITH THE WAY THE PANTHERS CHEERLEADERS ACT, I’D PLAY THERE FOR FREE!

Jerry Jones was finishing yet another explanation of why he believes Terrell Owens will be on his best behavior with the Dallas Cowboys when his new star receiver chimed in.

“Jerry, I know what’s expected of me,” Owens said. “I won’t let you down.”

The Cowboys sure hope so, especially since they didn’t get it in writing.

Looks like another Irving is back for the boys.

On Tuesday, the Minnesota Vikings traded their franchise quarterback Daunte Culpepper to the Miami Dolphins for a second-round draft pick in this year’s draft. This comes one year after the Vikes traded away their star receiver Randy Moss to Oakland for a first round pick and LB Napoleon Harris. CULPEPPER + MOSS = PLAYOFF TEAM, POSSIBLE SUPER BOWL CONTENDER….BRAD JOHNSON +TROY WILLIAMSON = A LOT OF EMPTY SEATS IN THE METRODOME…

The NFL Free Agency started off Saturday and many teams are already making many signings in the first 24 hours. One of the more active teams on the first day have been the Vikings who signed kicker Ryan Longwell, running back Chester Taylor and linebacker Ben Leber. The club also re-signed wide receiver Koren Robinson a couple days ago. A GOOD THING ABOUT BEING SIGNED THIS EARLY BY THE VIKES…YOU GET FIRST DIBS ON A CABIN IN NEXT YEAR’S “LOVE BOAT”…

The NFL has apparently come to a deadlock with the extension of the collective bargaining agreement just days before free agency is set to start. If the deal is not extended, this would be the last year with a salary cap, so agents and team officials want to know how to structure contracts. COME ON PEOPLE, WORK OUT A DEAL!!! THESE ATHLETES HAVE WIVES AND GIRLFRIENDS ON THE SIDE TO SUPPORT!!!

Commissioner Paul Taglibue has called a meeting for Thursday, the main sticking point seems to be the percentage of revenues that will be allotted to the players. HOW CAN YOU EXPECT MICHAEL VICK TO BE THE MOST OVERPAID PLAYER IN THE LEAGUE IF YOU DON’T HAMMER OUT A DEAL?!?

Maurice Clarett pleaded not guilty to flashing a gun at 2 people in an alley behind a bar on New Year’s Day and taking a cell phone. The former Buckeye star allegedly left the scene in an SUV after being identified by the owner of the bar. YOU KNOW MAURICE, YOU SHOULD BE NICE TO THESE PEOPLE, YOU’LL BE ASKING THEM FOR THEIR SPARE CHANGE IN A COUPLE YEARS…

Clarett was drafted in the third round by the Broncos in the 2005 draft, and was cut in August, before the season started. FOREGOING A NORMAL CONTRACT FOR AN INCENTIVE LADEN DEAL TO PROVE YOURSELF DOESN’T WORK OUT TOO WELL WHEN YOU’RE OUT OF THE LEAGUE, DOES IT GENIUS?  DON’T WORRY THOUGH, MAYBE YOU CAN GET A JOB AT KFC WITH FREDDIE MITCHELL…