Fucked Sports™

Congratulations to the Edmonton Oilers, who have reached the Stanley Cup finals for the first time in 16 years. They now await the winner of the Carolina Hurricanes/Buffalo Sabres Eastern Conference final. Carolina presently leads the series 3 games to 2.

Who will win this year’s Stanley Cup, the most coveted trophy in all of sports? I’ve been giving a lot of thought to this question. The experts will tell you to look at the stats, the injuries, trap defenses, hot goaltending, the skill of the players and the quality of their coaching. I, however, will not. No, I’ve lost too much money and suffered too much disappointment over the years by trying to apply “logic,” “reason” and “common sense” to such matters.

This year will be different. This year I’m thinking outside the box. Like the chick that wins the office pool by picking winners based on team colors, I’m tossing conventional wisdom aside and making my prediction based solely on criteria that only an insane person would consider relevant. Specifically, I’m looking at patterns and themes that hint to what the future holds. You’ve heard of how celebrities always die in threes? This is something like that, except nobody dies.

Consider for example that after September 11, 2001, when the nation was united like rarely before, who else but a team called the Patriots would win the Super Bowl? Interestingly, the New England Patriots also prevailed in the 2 Super Bowls that followed the invasion of Iraq. Only after support for the war dropped off dramatically did they fail to win a third consecutive time. Coincidence? That’s what the commies want you to think!

In any event, a yin and yang theme emerged in professional sports in 2002, when the Angels of Anaheim reigned supreme in the World Series and, six months later, the New Jersey Devils inscribed their names upon the Stanley Cup. In 2003, we witnessed a clear seagoing theme, with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers capturing the Super Bowl and the Florida Marlins triumphing in the World Series. And 2004 began a footwear theme, oddly enough, as the Boston Red Sox won the October Classic followed by the Chicago White Sox the year after. We’re through the looking glass, people.

So who am I picking to win the Cup? Well, there was no 2004-05 NHL season so I look for a continuation of an interrupted theme. Some might think that in a year of record oil profits, the Edmonton Oilers would be the logical choice, but such people aren’t thinking clearly. Since the Tampa Bay Lightning won the last Stanley Cup it only makes sense, especially in light of Katrina, that the Carolina Hurricanes storm through this year’s competition to complete the weather theme. That’s it folks, mark it down. The Carolina Hurricanes are your 2006 Stanley Cup champions.

Remember where you read it.

Those of you who tuned in to Game 4 of the San Jose/Edmonton Western Conference Semifinal Friday night saw some great hockey; probably the best I’ve seen all season. A lightning* quick pace, pretty passes, sweet shots, super saves, hard hits, breakaways, flared tempers, fluke bounces, it had it all.

The Sharks jumped out to a 3-1 lead early in the second period on a goal by Jonathan Cheechoo, but the Oilers stormed back like Dick Cheney on an Exxon junket by scoring the next five. At 2:57 of the 3rd period Jason Smith took a pass from Sergei Samsonov in the corner, deked San Jose goaltender Vesa Toskala and deposited the puck off the post and in to give Edmonton the lead they would not relinquish. With the Oilers’ 6-3 win, the series is knotted-up at 2 games apiece as Game 5 returns to San Jose Sunday night.

In other match-ups, the Buffalo Sabres lead the Ottawa Senators 3 games to 1, the Carolina Hurricans are up on the New Jersey Devils 3 games to none, while the Anaheim Mighty Ducks — the worst named team in hockey – await the winner of the Oilers/Sharks slugfest after having swept the outmatched Colorado Avalanche.

* Speaking of lightning, is it just me or could Stallone have played a great Phil Esposito in a film adaptation of the Boston legend’s memoir Thunder and Lightning? That’s if Rocky could skate, of course  . . .and act.

P.S. I’d like to thank bdaddy for extending me the offer to become Fucked Sports’ part-time hockey correspondent, and Gooseneck for talking me into it.